But if you try sometime...You get what you need

On Saturday we had a little fight that ended with him saying fuck off. It did upset me a lot, I was suprised he'd talk to me like that and soooo disappointed. I couldn't sleep... I was sad and mad and obviously I didn't think much about the reason he got so annoyed (so that he'd be the only one to blame). Anyway the next day I waited for him to come and we talked and everything was perfect again. It's good we can't really stay mad at each other for a long time.

My parents allowed me to go to England and stay with him for a few days during my winter break.  It's going to be so amazing since no one will tell me to go home at 7pm and shout at me that I'm ignoring my family...  I can't wait to meet his parents and friends although I'm a bit worried they won't like me. I sometimes get very shy, so maybe they'll think im being awkward... Or maybe I won't be able to understand them ( since I'm not a native english speaker and they dont have the same accent as Kurt). I hope everything will be fiiineeee though......

I'm going to travel by plane for the first time and I'm really excited about that... and nervous. I don't know what to  do on the airport and i'm worried about that security control. There sure  will be something wrong with me and people will get so annoyed xD


It's just me being paranoid.

The connection between us

In 30 minutes, I have to leave to school so I'm not going to write much. Yesterday, Kurt came home early, he didn't go to the gym just so he could talk to me more. I was sooo happy because of that but it didn't work out...  The internet connection was so shit we couldn't really talk on cam. My BB BOY got slightly annoyed so simply chatting was also impossible since he would only reply in one or two words. After some time of waiting for Skype to start working properly I lied down with my laptop thinking that I'd close my eyes only for a few minutes.... that ended up being two hours. When I woke up, Kurt wasn't there and It made me sad, so I decided to call him on his mobile phone. He didn't pick up but he called me back straight away. I didn't think we'd talk that day anymore but he offered to come on skype, and obviously I thought it was a great idea. He came, Skype started working a bit better, we talked and then, some time around 2am my mum walked into my room, being so mad at me for talking with Kurt at nights. I bet there will be a talk on that today but whatever. :D

Can't keep a secret from him :D

On Sunday my friend came over and we had a really good time, talking, laughing, watching films and eating tones of food. It was a great idea to invite her, since Kurt was visiting His brother and wasn't on skype that day. We got to talk for a little bit though, because He called me on my mobile phone. It seems so normal when   He calls or texts me... As if WE were a normal couple. As if calling each other didn't cost a fortune lol.

On Sunday I also bought an xbox game for my Teddy Bear. I wanted to keep it a secret and send it to Him, but as always, the second I saw Him on cam I needed to tell Him. I really get excited when I know I can make Him very happy, so it's unpossible for me to have secrets like that. Now I just need some money to send it to England...

My grandfather called my dad a bad parent. He said that if he was responsible for me, it would take him less than an hour to make sure Kurt would never come back to Poland. When I hear stuff like this it always upsets me. Kurt says he doesn't care what other people think of us, and I know He is being honest... But it is not just that they say we won't last that makes me very sad. It's them saying that Kurt isn't appropriate for me, that He probably wants tu use me and leave me and them thinking we are pathetic for being together. They offend the person I love the most in my life and It hurts me really bad.

Eliza can't stop crying.

The thing is, everything makes me cry. I've never felt so unhappy in my life... It's like I no longer have a reason to wake up, study, talk to people. And I know my state of mind makes things even more difficult for me and Kurt. Although He says He is worried about me, I am aware my moody behaviour also annoys Him. I've became paranoid, like I always look for stuff that might imply He isn't interested in me anymore.

Yesterday He got annoyed at me, because when He left Poland I went to talk to my only friend who lives near me ( a drawback of living on suburbs). And that friend is a guy... I just needed to talk to someone, not even about Kurt, I just needed to stop crying and meeting up with JJ helped me to do that. And The Love Of My Life  didn't like that. To be honest I think he is being unfair, I have no romantic intrest in JJ and I have never done anything to make Kurt think otherwise.

What also makes things difficult for me is how absent He sometimes is on Skype. Like, I talk to Him and He isn't even listening, or He looks at the TV all the time. I know He does love me, and when He is here, He makes me feel like a princess but He sometimes  fails to do that online. I understand that He is tired but sometimes I get the impression that me being on cam simply annoys Him. The good thing is, It's not always that He does that. There are times when after talking to Him, I'm over the moon and even the memories of them make me  smile loads. And I probably made it look like Kurt isn't trying when He is in England and I'm here so if anyone belives so, I assure you it's not that bad.

And for the second time, He is gone.

He went home yesterday, and I cried so much. I remember the last time, when after no more than five minutes I was able to stop. Obviously, it doesn't mean I wasn't upset anymore but somehow I managed to think about talking to Him on Skype the next day or even Him coming back to Poland because I knew He would and I knew the date. It's different this time. I might see Him in February, I might not. It may not be sooner than April until WE see each other again and I know it's going to be difficult for me.

I love Kurt, there is no doubt about that. When He is here, I'm happier than ever... He makes me feel amazing even when we only see each other on cam. I want to be with Him despite the 2,5h flight tearing us apart and I hope and belive WE can do that...

Even if others say we can't.



Sorry for the mistakes I probably made. I'm not a native english speaker, so it's a bit more difficult for me to write immaculately. I hope you understand and forgive :P